The Men We Love And When Women Hurt Them
Obsolete, gender biased views are reasons to be outraged
“Studies of domestic violence repeatedly show that women participate in hitting, punching, and kicking intimate partners at least as often as men do and for the same reasons; not infrequently, violent women cause serious harm.” 1
Read that again.
Are you surprised? Many would be, but I’m not. I have known for a very long time that women aren’t any better than men by any means and measures, and not any less prone to violence. But I know that the general, media-fuelled picture is much different from the actual reality. Women in the media are portrayed as gentler, with a higher sense of morals and ethics, they’re kinder, and they do not commit violent acts as often as men do. This is utter and fabulated bullshit. I would even like to push the narrative so far to say that women can be, and in more than a few instances are, more violent, less gentle, less moral and ethical, and not at all as kind as many men. You don’t have to agree with me, but hear me out.
“By 1980 there were already at least ten high quality studies which found that women physically assault their partners at about the same rate as men attack female partners. By 1995, there were about a hundred such studies. As of this writing, the evidence is even more overwhelming. There are about 200 studies documenting equal rates of PV perpetration.” 2
As I have read about these studies and dived deeper into real life accounts and stories, told by both men and women, it’s abundantly clear that the gender biased view we as a society hold on to isn’t in sync with reality. As much as we would want to look at partner and domestic violence, and other types of interpersonal violence for that matter, as an overwhelmingly masculine or male problem directed towards mostly females/women, it is not what reality looks like. And no, you cannot argue that “women have been oppressed for…” or “but statistically speaking history shows…” because both those arguments, and similar ones, are fundamentally flawed in that they are heavily gender biased and assume an absolute, rigid behavioral pattern. As I have stated before, sexism goes both ways. Reflect on this…,
“Overall, men are far more likely than women to be homicide victims. In 2018, 484 men, as compared to 163 women, were murdered in Canada. Moreover, men kill themselves far more often than they kill women. These facts are worth pondering /…/ to highlight the capacity of both sexes to cause harm, and our society’s silence about male suffering.” 3
This ignorance goes hand in hand with general associations we make in regards to women and men, where “women” have more positive associations by both sexes. “Moreover, researchers have confirmed a much higher in-group bias amongst women, meaning that women feel more empathy towards other women than towards men, while men also feel more empathy for women.” 4 With this in mind, imagine growing up and living in a society where you are part of a group that from birth is seen as less in most of the positive aspects of being a human, and more in almost all the negative ones. And on top of that you are expected to, you have to, apologize and constantly make redemption because of your gender/sex no matter what you do, how you live, who you are, or how you behave. You’re just simply an improvable bad egg - only because you’re a man.
“Men are told repeatedly that they are socially privileged and must apologize and make amends for the many unearned advantages they supposedly possess. Any man who fails to manifest the necessary chivalrous shame is told he is a woman-hater. In my experience, very few of the men who oppose feminist blame feel any hatred for women; on the contrary, many men have a built in (even self-destructive) desire to please and care for them.” 5
Toxic masculinity, that for the record can be expressed by both men and women just as toxic femininity can, is an idea that masculine traits can be expressed to a point that they become harmful and damaging to society, the receiver, and the person expressing them. Traditional masculine traits are for example logic, independence, protection, strength, and discipline, among others.
“We observe the adult man who cannot cry and judge him as repressed rather than feel compassion that he was instructed to suppress his emotions for years. /…/ All people are infected with toxic notions of what masculinity must entail and how it must look. And all people are both victims and spreaders of the sickness. It is not just the father who upbraids his son for crying; generations upon generations of mothers have denied their sons delicacy and vulnerability too. Sometimes the man who is loath to order a fruity drink at the bar has taken the risk before and been mocked for it by a woman. The primary victims of sexism are often converted, through years of abuse, into foot soldiers for its cause.” 6
Toxic femininity is to push the generalized feminine qualities of humans to a point that they’re so shallow that any normal and neutral acts, preference, or behavior is said to be proof of de-gendering. Both toxic masculinity and femininity are connected and intertwined with sexism, that robs a gender of its status and rights because of its existence. “Unfortunately, the public conversation around femininity and masculinity is often aggressive. "Toxic masculinity" is now a key buzzword with a political motivation.” 7
When men are victims of domestic or intrapersonal violence and the perpetrator is a woman (or another man) he is in many cases not believed. All too often a man is arrested on the scene of a domestic violence dispute regardless of who was reporting, injured, or pointed out to be the victim. Men just simply must be guilty! In the cases where men are believed as victims they are often looked down upon, there’s little to no empathy and more pity and ridicule from both other men and from women. In almost every North American emergency department there are protocols in place for how to deal with suspected or clear cases of domestic, sexual, and intrapersonal violence - but the protocols assume that the victim is female. Men that seek medical attention for these reasons must almost always ask for help and explain their case before they get their rights to medical care and other rights and needs seen to. In some of the literature I have read lately it is said that there are approximately 2000 shelters for abused women in the United States today, but less than five for men. LESS THAN FIVE for men?! Even though the number of male victims is close to the same as for female victims there is only a handful, or less, shelter for men? No matter your opinion of male versus female perpetrators that number is crazy, frightening, and heart breaking.
“Consider assertions that men as a group must be taught “not to rape,” or that to accord the presumption of innocence to a man accused of sexual violence against a woman or girl is to be complicit in “rape culture.” /…/ A true equality movement would be concerned with the needs and interests of both sexes. It would, for instance, advocate for all victims of domestic and sexual violence regardless of gender — and for fairness to those accused of these offenses.” 8
Male suffering is not a very popular topic in the media, and I believe it is a two edged sword for the most part. On one hand it is sensitive because it disturbs the macho culture picture of men and masculinity that is popular in our cultural sphere, a picture I personally find a bit offensive as well as quite stupid. Nothing wrong with a masculin man, on the contrary, but the ideal painted by the macho culture is a bit too much. On the other hand the sensitivity lies in how uncomfortable it is to think about the acts that create victims, no matter the gender. And I get that, I really do, more than you know. It is uncomfortable from any angle and for any gender, but it is extra sensitive for men and in regards to men because we are not at all used to thinking of men as human beings at the same level as women when it comes to emotions and feelings, among other more “feminine” qualities. That’s really sad, and it bothers me. It should bother you too.
A prominent woman in the New York political scene has, as long as I can remember following her antics, upheld women as the highest standard and promoted them, pushed for them, and paved the way for them with any means possible. Only because they are women, in true radicalized feministic spirit. She has spoken so well about women many, many times and only once, to my recollection, has she said anything positive and respectful about men. And in that case it was about dead men, veterans that gave their lives to protect the young, old, weak, sick, and the women in the United States. Those men, past and present, made the ultimate sacrifice and must be honored and respected, and I am eternally grateful for their service. But to imply, and not very discreetly, that they are the only examples there are of good men - that’s something to be appalled about. To perceive men as all bad are something that is frighteningly common these days, especially since the radicalized feminists have forced themselves onto the public and political stage.
I am well aware that this makes me sound like I despise women in general and are making convenient excuses for the men that are aggressors and act violently. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love my own gender and I am proud of being a cis woman, but I also love men and think they’re amazing. I also believe that both men and women, actually all genders, can be toxic, violent, aggressive, and bad human beings. Sexism goes both ways, and so does guilt. There’s no doubt in my mind. And I think it is time we start to look at and treat men as equals.
We are as a society crying out for equality for the sexes, and it is time to include the men in previously “female issues” since they also are subjects in these matters. Fair, yes?
“…those in the legal industry need help to recognise that men can be victims too; therapists need to learn that interventions based on patriarchy theory are not viable; and women need to learn that it's ok for them not to be in charge of their male partner. It’s important that men learn to recognise when they are in an abusive relationship, but before that happens it’s crucial that the legal industry, therapists and helpline workers recognise that male victims are a reality. Without this recognition male victims will find it extremely difficult to find help when they reach out for it.” 9
If you’ve heard me out on this, and I am still not asking you to agree, you will by now see a different, but very real, picture of domestic abuse, perpetrators, and gender bias. From my activity on social media I have come into contact with men that are victims of sexual assault, domestic violence, gender based and/or sexual harassment, as well as bullying, psychological and emotional abuse, and the entire range of traumatizing violence imaginable - and I hurt for them as much as I hurt for the women I know and met that also are victims. I cry for them all and their pain. And I rage against the perpetrators, no matter their gender. When women hurt the men we love we have another reason to be outraged - not only because of the act, but also for the obsolete, gender biased views that obscures society from seeing these men and protecting them, care for them in the same way as we strive to protect and care for women. It is time we change that.
“If you’re not outraged you’re not paying attention”
Fiamengo, J., 2021., ‘Men should not be shamed on Dec. 6.’ The Epoch Times, December 6, 2021. Available at: Men Should Not Be Shamed on Dec. 6
Fiamengo, J., 2021., ‘Who cares about male suffering?’ The Epoch Times, July 13, 2021. Available at: Who Cares About Male Suffering?
Fiamengo, J., 2018., ‘Men’s Advocates And The Journalists That Hate Them.’ 2018, August 24. Available at: Men's Advocates and the Journalists Who Hate Them
Koulogeorge, N., 2018/2021., ‘P.S. Venus Is Uninhabitable: Toxic Femininity & Why It Must Be As Discussed As Toxic Masculinity.’ Fraternity Man, July 22, 2018, updated November 21, 2021. Available at: Fraternity Man | PS Venus Is Uninhabitable: Toxic Femininity & Why It Must Be As Discussed As Toxic Masculinity
Fiebert, M. S., 2004., ‘References examining assaults by women on their spouses or male partners: an annotated bibliography. Sexuality and Culture’, 8(3-4), 140-177, January 2009. Available at: Gender symmetry in partner violence: The evidence, the denial, and the implications for primary prevention and treatment
Barry, J., 2022. ‘You can’t reduce domestic abuse by telling people that life is a power struggle between men and women. Interview with Professor Nicola Graham-Kevan’, Male Psychology: The Magazine, March 31, 2022. Available at: You can't reduce domestic abuse by telling people that life is a power struggle between men and women. Interview with Professor Nicola Graham-Kevan